Mafia Gazette Past Issue 153
The Mafia Gazette Issue 153 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Friday 25th April 'MIAMI IMPLODES IN DRAMATIC TURNAROUND ' By Randle McMurphy The city of Miami has been enjoying a prosperity that has not been seen in the region for quite some time. This, unfortunately, was not to last. Some have said that the city never fully recovered from the loss of former Boss Gaetano Badalamenti, but things initially looked bright under the new leadership of Dirk Struan. This leadership did not last long, with Struan quickly taking a back seat and then leaving the family. Some sources say issues with the way Gaetano’s Nephew, Nunzio, was attempting to command the family despite his lack of experience, was a factor in his decision to leave. Leadership then fell to oompaloompa, but in name only. Nunzio was commanding the Miami crime syndicate from the lower ranks with oompa as ‘caretaker’, holding the rank of Boss. This also broke down fairly rapidly, with sources reporting that Nunzio was unable to commit the time needed to lead an organisation that large, and with oompa not wishing to take full control of the family herself. Yesterday, the decision was finally taken to disband Asociación Ñetas permanently. Oompaloompa made the choice to remain in Miami, and re-brand the family as her own, but quickly found herself under fire from gunmen believed to hail from New York. In a bizarre twist, oompa then abandoned her family’s headquarters and left the city, heading for Dallas, leaving her former members confused and helpless in Miami. The tensions had arisen with New York earlier in the day, when McCarron dropped his Asociación Ñetas tags and went to the locked down city. Rumours were also flying back and forth regarding Joe Galimberti allegedly attacking an NY member, though this was, and still is, unconfirmed. Details surrounding his gunfight are hazy, but he soon lay dead, and questions began to rise over the remaining Miami residents. Soon after oompa abandoned her headquarters, former Asociación Ñetas consigliere Lexington took exception to the move, and moved to strike against his former caretaker-leader. Several shots were exchanged, but the Made Man could not overcome the Miami Boss, and died from an accumulation of several gunshot wounds in Dallas. Things did not ease up for oompa, however, and she soon lay next to him in the Dallas morgue. Police say they have no leads on her killer, but suspicions are falling on New Yorker Faustino, who was seen in the vicinity at the time of her death. The Miami families seem to have now disbanded completely, with only a few sleepy stragglers remaining. The rest have found homes across the country with already existing crime families, and rumours are that one or two Asociación Ñetas higher ranking members may even be arranging to begin their own family, although it is thought that this will not be in Miami. For the time being, it remains a ghost town, a shadow of it’s former self. Our condolences go out to the families of all those who have lost their lives in this conflict. 'OF LOVE AND LOST; BLOOD SPILLED WITHIN THE FAMILY ' By Gazette Reporter In the early AM of April 18, Miami born MsKittyRocks fell dead after experiencing one of the most traumatic injuries ever inflicted upon him – internal heartbreak. While the rest of the nation slept on this fateful evening, blood was spilled within family walls. The engagement of MsKittyRocks to his now widowed fiancée was well known throughout Miami, the wedding to be held in the afternoon of April 26. All could not seem better for the happy couple until Sonny_Castelletti arrived. New in the area, the fiancée of Rocks, who prefers not to be named, was requested to guide Mr. Castelletti around the city, hitting all the local hot spots. They went out often, having a grand time – too frequently for the comfort of Rocks. An insider reports: “He would stay up all night waiting for her to come home, or hit the bar and drink himself silly. The one night, around seven, I found him passed out on the sidewalk with an empty bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand and completely soaked in what looked like cooking oil. I don’t know what that was about, but it wasn’t normal.” Witnesses also report MsKittyRocks wandering through the streets, singing children’s nursery rhymes in the dead of night. “He was pathetic, always coming into work late and drunk. Whenever Mr. Castelletii stepped in to visit, Rocks would start crying. fiancée couldn’t stand it and started visiting Mr. Castelletti more often. It drove Rocks insane. Of course, the night she didn’t come home is what really caused him to snap.” Lilah, an employee of the fiancée and coworker of Rocks, told us. The woman in question reportedly joined Mr. Castelletti at his own bar along the coast one night, falling asleep in a drunken stupor. Mr. Castelletti then transported the engaged woman to his home where she was seen departing at 9AM the following morning. When questioned why Mr. Castelletti did not return the woman to her home, he stated: “A gentleman would never tell.” Upon the late entrance of his fiancée, Rocks demanded she cease from seeing Mr. Castelletti, which feel upon deaf ears. Later that following evening, Mr. Castelletti arrived for drinks at the business the couple ran. Eye witnesses report: “MsKittyRocks was crying and she didn’t find it very appropriate. Ten minutes later she pulled Rocks to the side and fired him. She fired her own fiancée!” Rocks departed the building in a rage and was witnessed wandering downtown Miami the entire evening and weeping. At approximately 5:40am, Rocks stumbled upon Mr. Castelletti’s doorstep, requesting presence of the household master. Gabriel Harte, Castelletti’s personal driver, insisted his master was currently out on a date with a young woman, who was later confirmed to be Rocks’ fiancée. In an alcohol induced rage, Rocks reportedly pulled out a gun to which Harte drew his and fired in defense. Rocks collapsed, bleeding upon the doorstep of Mr. Castelletti, and died during transport to the Miami hospital. The fiancée was witnessed crying during the funeral, but could not be located afterward for questioning. Locals report Mr. Castelletti whisked her away in a limo to his home immediately following the funeral. In concerns to her condition, Mr. Castelletti answered: “She is obviously distraught, and I would appreciate if you could leave her to grieve in this difficult time.” Thus ended a Miami love triangle in its truest form. 'NEW CRIME FAMILY EMERGES IN CHICAGO ' By Randle McMurphy The city of Chicago has been vacant since the fall of former crime syndicate Beep Beep, I’m a Jeep, headed by Puck. A few Street Bosses have popped up in the city, but soon turned up in the morgue, or relocated to less hostile climates. It appears now though, that a leader has taken on the challenge of the wayward city, often known as the random murder capital of the United States. Capo John Locke, formerly of Miami and then New York, made his street announcement yesterday claiming ownership of the city, and stating his intentions to turn its reputation around, and create a more stable centre to our crime world. His plans for Chicago were not outlined in great detail, although Locke mentioned that all were welcome to travel through the city freely, but that new Street Bosses should not set up without contacting him first. When approached by The Gazette about what the future holds for Chicago, Locke was quietly confident that his family, The Dharma Initiative, can stabilize the city, and plans to eventually expand his own family within the city limits once he has lieutenants capable and strong enough to splinter off. Many families in the past have sought to secure neighbouring cities when expanding the family, but it appears Locke is focusing on the one territory, rather than overstretching the family. We wish The Dharma Initiative the best of luck, and will be following their progress closely. 'GHANDI RELEASED ' By Natatia After many demonstrations and quiet defiance (on the part of Gandhi), the government of India, represented by Lord Edward Irwin, decided to negotiate with Gandhi. The Gandhi–Irwin Pact was signed in March, 1930. The British Government agreed to set all political prisoners free in return for the suspension of the civil disobedience movement. Furthermore, Gandhi was invited to attend the special conference in London as the sole representative of the Indian National Congress. The conference was a disappointment to Gandhi and the nationalists, as it focused on the Indian princes and Indian minorities rather than the transfer of power. Furthermore, Lord Irwin's successor, Lord Willingdon, embarked on a new campaign of repression against the nationalists. Gandhi was again arrested, and the government attempted to destroy his influence by completely isolating him from his followers. This tactic was not successful. Through the campaigning of the Dalit leader B. R. Ambedkar, the government granted untouchables separate electorates under the new constitution. In protest, Gandhi embarked on a six-day fast successfully forcing the government to adopt a more equitable arrangement via negotiations mediated by the Dalit cricketer turned political leader Palwankar Baloo. This was the start of a new campaign by Gandhi to improve the lives of the untouchables, whom he named Harijans, the children of God. 'SCANDAL IN DETROIT ' By Gazette Reporter In a recent journey through our favorite cities of Mafia world this reporter has observed somehow shall we say, unique behaviors! It seems Tommy_2_Toes was seen dancing naked for Phantom_Groper. Witnesses were unsure what precipitated this random or blatant act of public nudity. As for who enjoyed it more is also unknown, but HolyWench was seen “peeking” from what she may have thought was an unobserved position inside the broom cupboard. Why she was there to begin with is also unknown! In other news, Ocelets_Griblit has vehemently announced that she is a WOMAN despite the men’s clothing she has been seen sporting around town in. After several more doubters questioned her sexuality she’d had enough. With out any further ado she removed her top in front of several witnesses to prove her woman hood! With what appears to be a DD pair of mammalian protuberances this reporter will vouch for the fact that she is definitely a woman from the waist up! Now to the story that has been scandalized since the inception of the upcoming Ms Mafia contest. To what level will we allow ourselves to stoop to achieve some sort of fame? It seems several of our leading ladies have no faith in the men of Mafia to be able to judge in any contest fairly! Not one man was allowed to judge in the most recent Mr. Mafia contest, but no less than 11 ladies have offered their services to judge the Ms Mafia contest. One in particular, even stooped so low as to disguise herself as a man. No, we are not talking about Ms Ocelots_Griblet, but our very own Ms Vanity! With all the women wanting to judge, who is left to compete for the title of Ms Mafia? It seems that the women of Ms Mafia have no respect for a MAN’S ability to judge a woman on her merits as opposed to her willingness to bare it all! As a man of Mr Mafia I would like to think that as a gender we are able to overcome our egos and show these women how a competition should be judged, as opposed to the recent Mr. Mafia scandal that has rocked our world!!! And they want to judge again!!! Join us next week when we look into allegations of Phantom_Groper groping a “Dragon!” Also, Bailey freezes Anook with a single glare: Fact or fiction, you decide! 'JOHNSON DEBT DEFAULT ACT ' By Natatia Following the world war, Congress has been keen on getting back all the funds that were borrowed from the US. The mood of Congress was so strongly opposed to any suggestions of debt reduction that it passed the Johnson Debt Default Act. Originally sponsored by the arch-isolationist Hiran Johnson of California, the bill prohibits any citizen of the United States from buying or selling any securities of any country in arrears or in default of its war debt under the penalty of fine and/or imprisonment. The amended form stated that no loans could be made to any nation in default or in arrears, nor could such country sell their securities in the United States. While it appears as though the United States is not interested in the international economic situation, that is not the case. Secretary of State Cordell Hull is working on a reciprocal trade agreement program. The Democrats recognized the limitations placed on trade by the Hawley-Smoot Tariff of 1930 and are now trying to revive trade by allowing the President ‘to enter into executive commercial agreements' and 'within carefully guarded limits, to modify existing duties and import restrictions in such a way as will benefit American agriculture and industry.' 'RECORD WINDS RECORDED ' By Natatia Located in the White Mountain Range of the Appellation trail, Mount Washington is known for extended winter seasons, Significant cold, abundant snowfall, dense fog, heavy icing, and exceptional winds. Yes, there are colder places, such as Antarctica, and snowier places, such as some peaks in the Cascade Range. However, Mount Washington, a small peak by global standards, really does have weather that can rival some of the most rugged places on earth. This winter was a bit different than the norm. The early part of the day’s storm started out as a small interference with a weak front accompanying it. It was not until a northeastern storm moved in from the Carolina coast and met up with the smaller fronts surrounding the mountain. As the storm grew stronger, the scientists found it extremely challenging to even get out to check their equipment. Fortunately, the equipment held up long enough to record the world record wind speed of 231 miles an hour, which is the wind speed of three hurricanes. 'IN OTHER NEWS… ' By Natatia Gentleman mugger jailed A gentleman mugger has been jailed despite his elderly victim's pleas for him to be let off because he was so polite. The pensioner told the court in Salzburg, Austria, that she had not come across such a well mannered criminal for a long time. The man grabbed the old woman's bag and ran off but returned when he noticed she had fallen to the ground. "When he saw me fall, he came back. Criminals just don't do that any more," she said. "He was very neat and well mannered and asked me not to report him. He said he was really sorry, but was just desperate for money," she told the court. The 27-year-old, who has not been named, then helped his victim search for her keys which had fallen out when he grabbed the bag. Police arrested the well mannered mugger after being called out by a passer-by who had witnessed the incident. He was jailed for two-and-a-half years despite the pensioner's testimony after it was revealed it was not his first offence. England fans stranded in one way street. Two English football fans in Cologne lost their car after mistakenly thinking they had parked it on a road called 'One Way Street'. The pair wrote down 'Einbahn Strasse' - which means one-way street in German - so they didn't forget where they'd left the hire car. But when they came to find it again they found that every second street in the inner city was called 'Einbahn Strasse'. It was only when they found a policeman that they were told the sign was to inform drivers that they were on a one-way street. They finally managed to find their vehicle hours later with the help of the German police. 'THE REAL WORD ON THE STREET ' He says, “The word on the street is… MsKitty really prefers dogs.” He says, “The word on the street is… Gregoire_de_Fronsac recently got this message: I’m calling the Police, you God damned pervert!” He says, “The word on the street is… Shinobi was seen talking to Lady Luck.” He says, “The word on the street is… Tarby likes to paint himself green.” He says, “The word on the street is… You’re adopted and we don’t like you.” 'HOROSCOPES ' By Natatia Aries March 21- April 19 You're going through some serious weirdness today, but it's nothing that can't be balanced with a bit of quiet time. In fact, that's just what you need to figure it all out and start to move forward again! Taurus April 20-May 20 You are feeling a bit more sensitive than usual to perceived slights from friends and coworkers -- but keep in mind that they almost certainly don't mean to be mean! Just roll with the punches. Gemini May 21- June 21 You are perfectly willing to take extra time to think things through today -- and that's a very good idea! The more you calculate and machinate, the more likely you are to come out way ahead. Cancer June 22- July 22 You need to slow down and let your instinct guide you more than ever. They aren't infallible, of course, but they should steer you clear of one or two sketchy situations that won't work out Leo July 23 - August 22 You've got to make sure that you're not just accepting everything at face value today. It's not that people are lying to you, but they may be hiding more than usual. You'll pick up on it pretty soon. Virgo August 23 - September 22 Your deepest emotions are rising closer to the surface today and may be driving you in curious new directions. Don't fight the power this time, because things are definitely proceeding as they should. Libra September 23 - October 22 Today is perfect for taking care of the ordinary business of day-to-day life -- including any chores or tasks that you have let go for a little too long. Once that business is out of the way, things are much more open. Scorpio October 23- November 21 You are healing up some psychic or emotional damage that you might not even have known that you suffered. Your good energy should help you take notice and take advantage of it really soon. Sagittarius November 22-December 21 Your imagination is quite active today -- perhaps a bit hyperactive! That doesn't mean you're out of the loop, though, because other people are equally entranced by their own odd ideas. Capricorn December 22-January 19 You know what you want -- so start talking it up among friends and coworkers. You may find hidden pockets of support and ought to be able to work up a plan that makes sense before much longer. Aquarius January 20-February 18 It's a good time to take care of some community issue that has been bugging you, or donate some money to a charity you find appealing. You want to improve the world, so start anywhere! Pisces February 19-March 20 You need to involve yourself in some serious, down-to-earth business today, even though you may not be sure of it intellectually. Your intuition should be a powerful guide, though, so trust it! 'CLASSIFIEDS/ANNOUNCEMENTS ' All ads in this section are free, just send yours in to Randle or Natatia for inclusion in the next issue. Enjoy the races? Demand the best liquors and wines? Come join us at Natatia's Stables. Priding ourselves in providing a relaxed, fun atmosphere for those dedicated to the ponies, specialized beverages, and interesting encounters. The finest in catering is available for all occasions, contact Natatia or stop by. Mention this ad and your first drink is on us. Hice19 (talk) Have questions about the future? Require special assistance with a particular project or person? Seeking out religious items for personal use or gifts? Come visit the Moonstruck Emporium and Soothsayer. Located on the outside edge of Little Havana in the beautiful city of Miami. Proudly offering the finest in religious needs and supplies, which are difficult to come by in many cities. For those with ills, disturbing problems, or nagging questions, Natatia offers her many services to help put your soul and mind to rest. Prices are reasonable and all meetings are held in the strictness of confidence. Hice19 (talk) The Mafia Gazette is now recruiting! Think you could handle a career in professional journalism? Contact Randle or Natatia for further details, or drop by the head office in Chicago.